Resident Evil : Mental
by Cait Beepo
Summary: This is so totally off the original plotline and stupidly funny, you won't believe it. Ending Added! '09
1. But Master Loves Leon's Voices!

Resident Evil:Mental  
  
Author's Note- Me and my bro, whom we've fondly named Choco Bunny for the moment, thought this up while we were playing Resident Evil 2:THE ANALOG VERSION!!! We don't own Capcom or it's characters, so shit. But we DO own majority of the jokes placed into this ficcy! Enjoy!!!  
  
*=Action  
()=Thinking  
=Singing  
a/n=author's note if you didn't already know  
  
-Setting- Raccoon City, happening at the same time as Leon and Claire, and Nemesis, and all that other shit. Okay? Okay! A little before and a little after the end of the games.  
  
Narrator- One clear night, one of eight heroes, Leon S. Kennedy was driving in his happy little jeep listening to his 60s Gold album to seek his new job in Raccoon City.  
Leon- If you believe in magic! In a young girl's heart! (SHUT THE FUCK UP LEON!!!) Okay, I stop now! (Leon? You talk to yourself?) SHUT UP YOU STUPID FUCKING 3RD VOICE!!! (3rd???) ...AHAHAHA!!!   
*Leon arrives in Raccoon City and stops in front of a dead carcass and a 7 11*  
Leon-Mmmm....Waffles on sale! MUST....STOP....URGE...TO....EAT...WAFFFFFFLLLLLEEEEESSSS!!!! *looks at dead body* Hmm.... Gang wars... A little bloody for gang wars, BUT HEY! Those crazy kids! ^_^  
*Groaning is heard*  
Leon-I wonder what that was... But, being it a clear night where nothing could POSSIBLY GO WRONG, I'll go check it out because it's safe! ^_^  
*Leon walks over to find 3 zombies, all groaning*  
Leon- HOLY SHIT! DID I INTERRUPT A THREE WAY OR SOMETHIN' ? Wait a sec... You're people! I hate people! *draws shotgun out of nowhere* Shotgun! A man's weapon! *wink* Let's play a game! You move, I kill you! ^_^  
*Zombies continues to advance*  
Leon-Oooooo!!! This is my favorite part!!!!  
*BANG!!!BANG!!!BANG!!! Zombies drop dead, but Leon continues to shoot them*  
Leon-MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! YOU LIKE THAT PUNK?!?!? (I love being a cop!) ^_^  
*Leon does a Final-Fantasy-like victory dance, then runs off to find zombies crowding around his jeep*  
Leon-MY JEEP!!! You son of bitches!!!! Die!!! *shoots of all the zombies faces of, then is tackled by a zombie*  
*Screen flashes You Died*  
Leon-*stands and dusts himself off* *reads the screen* D-E-I-D U-O-Y??? What the fuck? Oh wait! That's You Died. Funny, I don't feel dead. Guess I'll just be wandering around the city, groaning...*sniffle*  
Clarie-YOU'RE NOT DEAD, DUMBASS!!! YOU STILL GOTTA SAVE ME!!! JUST PRESS START!!!  
Leon-BUT I DON'T HAVE THE CONTROLLER!!!  
Choco Bunny-*presses start*  
Both-THANK YOU!!!  
Leon-Whoa... Zombie hell has chicks...Whoa...  
Clarie-*sigh* You dumbass...  
Leon-*stands up* Hey! I'm alive!!! WOOHOO! I'M ALIVE! WOOHOO! I'M ALIVE!  
*THWACK!*  
Leon-OW!! WHAT THE FUCK AS THAT FOR!!!  
Clarie-Blarg.  
Leon-Wha?  
Clarie-Blarg!  
Leon-Wouldja run that by me again?  
Claire-...Fuck you...  
Leon-OKAY! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT NO THANKS!!!  
Clarie- O_O  
Leon-...Um....^_^  
Clarie-Let's run over to that conveniently placed cop car.  
Leon-But-but-but jeep!  
Clarie-C'mon dumbass!  
*Both get into the car and drive into the city*  
Leon-So... Um... (C'MON DUMBASS! START A CONVERSATION!) The name's Leon Kennedy. Nice to meet you.  
Clarie-I'm Clarie. Clarie Redfield... I came here looking for my brother...  
*ODD SILENCE*  
Clarie- You're a cop, right?  
Leon-Yeah... First day on the job... Fuck that now! *looks at the glove box* Open the glove box...  
Claire-*opens the glove box* There are two Uzzis inside...   
Leon-Take them... You might need them... *looks at Claire* That's a nice pair of machine guns you got there...^_^  
Clarie-*holds up the Uzzis* THANKS! That's a nice shotgun you got there too! ^_^  
Leon- Uh, thanks! It's shoots a lot of bullets! ^_^  
Mystik Amethyst- ENOUGH SEX JOKES!!!  
Leon- Dammit!  
Clarie- We were making sex jokes?  
*Zombies jumps from the back and latches onto Clarie's head*  
Clarie-HOLY SHIT!  
*Leon swivels the car to a halt and let's the zombie fly into a stop sign*  
Leon-SHE'S MINE BITCH!!  
Clarie-What?  
Leon-Nothing. We're about to get rammed through the back by some zombie guy driving a truck.  
Clarie-...HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?!  
Leon-We-  
*They get rammed through the back by some zombie guy driving a truck*  
Both-*Fly out of the car on opposite sides*  
Clarie-Dumbass! You okay?  
Leon-*walks through the flames that separate them* Yeah... But I'm kinda on fire...  
Clarie- You might wanna take care of that..  
Leon- Nah!  
*Screen flashes You Died*  
Leon-Not again!  
Clarie-Choco Bunny...  
Choco Bunny-*presses start*  
Clarie-MERCI!  
Leon-DUDE! YOU SPOKE FRENCH!!!  
Clarie- -_-()  
*ODD SILENCE*  
Clarie- But really, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT!?  
Leon-Authors.  
Claire-?  
Mystik Amethyst and Choco Bunny-*wave*  
Clarie- Oh... -_-()  
  
A/N- Not like any of you care, but Author Note. My brother just did something creepy. He finished one of the extreme missions and said I think I finished that in about 3 minutes... And it was EXACTLY 3:00... It creepy us both out... Now back to our regularly scheduled fanfic! ^_~  
  
Oh shit... Well, that's chapter one... If you want us to continue, PLEASE R+R!!! *sniffle sniffle*


	2. Resident Evil Christmas Spectacular!

RESIDENT EVIL : MENTAL

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas The Night Before Christmas

And all through Raccoon City

And the zombies were stirring

To eat everyone

What a pity

All the stockings were hung by the chimney with care

With hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there

But he was dead

And so were his reindeer

Big bite marks on their limbs

Blood spattered up on the highest piers

The children were nestled

All snug in their beds

While lickers snuck up on them

Drove claws through their heads

And Clarie with her bow gun

And Jill in her Capcom cap

Had just settled their thoughts

When the door went

SNAP!

Outside the RPD building

There grew such a clatter

That they ran outside

To see what was the matter

Raising their guns

They flew like a flash

Saw all the zombies

And felt an earth-shaking crash!

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

Had Leon Kennedy drooling

Claire: Hentai…*kicks him*

And then had him on the floor

Then what to Mystik Amethyst's wondering eyes should appear

A psycho lookin' sleigh

With eight packing reindeer

The muscled driver

So lively and quick

That had Jill and Claire thinkin'

He probably be pretty slick St. Nick

More rabid than vultures they cames

But when they landed, he called them all by name

On Slasher, on Gasher, on Fasher and Nixon!

On Vomit, on Stupid, on Scanner and Blitzen!

To the top of the roofs

To the top of the wall

Now bomb away!

Bomb away!

Blast away all!

So up to the RPD roof top

Like lightning they flew

With the sleigh full of missiles

And St. Nicholas too

As Chris drew his head

And was turning around

Down the chimney he came

St. Nick came with a pound

They both ran down the stairs

Uzzis in hand

Read to shoot

The virus that should've been banned

Jill saw the old man

Musculer and skinny

She sighed and said

Jill: Stupid, old wussy ninny…

Santa was dressed all in fur to his head to his foot

All tarnished and trashed with ashes and soot

Unknown amounts of ammo

Slung on his back

He looked like a taliban

Except with a larger "toy" sack

His eyes, how they twinkled

His dimples, how sullen

His cheeks were like pansies

His nose looked like it fell in

His mouth was full of broken teeth and such

It seemed that cement was his favored thing to munch

The beard on his chin 

Was as white as the snow

The stump up a pipe he held tight in his teeth

I didn't know Santa did drugs underneath

His face was sullen

And he had a round little belly

Which when poked

He laughed like the Boy of Pillsbary

A wink of his eye

And a twist of his head

Soon gave Leon the thought

That everything would be dead

He spoke not a word

But got right to his work

He said her needed two minutes

He sounded like Papa Smurf

He finished and laying a finger

On the side of his nose

And giving a nod

Up to his sleigh they all rose

They grabbed what they need 

And thanked Santa kindly

Then went down to the streets

To begin battle 

Finally!

Jill blew off ones head

Claire sawed off the other

They both enjoyed their new toys

Then they decided not to bother

With the men that they had

They'd never get this stuff

Because they were women

And because they said they weren't as tough

So they whispered something 

In all the zombies deformed ears

And they all agreed

And they were almost in tears

They were scared they would die

So did they girls bidding

The ran at the men

And devoured them

And so that ends our Christmas fun

So Merry Christmas 

And Kawanza

And Soltis

And that jewish holiday I can't spell

To all!

See you in hell!

-Mystik Amethyst


	3. The Scene Is Set FOR TERROR!

Resident Evil Mental

Chapter 2

The Scene is Set...for Terror!

Please excuse our lack of good chapter names, we know they suck.

Mystik A- Sorry about our lack of upadtes. We had another 5 chapters ready to go but our MOTHER FUCKING computer deleted all of it except the first chapter. I can just hope this depressing try at another copy won't lose its funny over the course of its creation. In other words "THIS GOD DAMN FUCKING COMPUTER ERASED OUR STORY AND NOW WE HAVE TO FUCKING WRITE IT ALL FUCKING OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!".

Enjoy.

We also don't own anything in the "ficcy" like references to movies or cerels or anything

so...yeah, remeber that....

Narrator- Now we flip over to a helicopter flying over the city. Barry Burton is flying Chris Redfield over to the police station until he notices the fuel level.

Barry-Chris, we're going to have to land.

Chris- Ok. I'll bust my way through the zombie armys to get to the police station.I'm only...(looks at map) 10 MILES AWAY?!?!

Barry-Sorry...I forgot to fuel up before we left...But don't worry, I could come and help and blow stuff up and...and...

Chris- No. You don't get to come.

Barry- But...but...

Chris- Dammit, no! You have to go fill up the copter and come get us when I radio you.

Barry-But you don't have a rad-

Chris- Shut up!

Barry-Ok, whatever you say.....

(Barry lifts off and as he flys away he flips Chris off)

Chris- Well, it looks like I'm in for a long trip.

????-(in an extremly nerdy voice) Yep, you sure are.

(Chris screams like a woman)

Chris- Who the hell are you...and why are you so fat and bald?

Melvin- Ohhh, I'm Melvin, the short, fat,bald,stamp collecting man.

Chris- Ohhhhh...(shoots Melvin in the face)

(Screen flashes Melvin died)

Chris- And thats the end of that.

Melvin- Nope. 'Fraid not.

Chris- But...I...with my magnum...

Melvin- Sorry, but maybe I can tag along and be your side kick.

Chris- Ok. You can be my SIDE kick. (Kicks Melvin in his side)

(Melvin's fat absords the blow)

Melvin- Haha. You're funny....

Narrator-Well we leave Melvin and Chris to find their way to the police station, which is 10 miles away, but we go to yet another pair of people whom Fate has cruelly trapped in this city of the undead. Jill Valentine and Carlos Oliviera. We meet them as they come face to face with the creature that pursues only S.T.A.R.S. members, Nemesis.

Jill- Well, Carlos, it looks like we're done for.

Carlos-Yep, you are most definatly right, there is no way in hell we could possibly get out of this one.

(Nemesis steps up to Jill and roars triumphantly in her face)

Jill- Psych!

(Jill shoves the barrel of her grenade launcher into Nemesis's mouth and fires)

Nemesis- ROAARRRRAAAGGGAAARRAAAAAAA!!!!!!!(Falls to the ground)

Jill- Come on Carlos, lets go!!

Carlos- Hold up...(runs up and kicks Nemesis in his groin area)

Take that bastard!!

Jill- Carlos, we need to get to the police station and look for survivors. maybe there will be a spare chopper so we can get out of here!

Carlos- Maybe...But what if we run into characters from the other games?

Jill- That's a chance we will have to take. Lets go!!

Narrator- And with that, our heros-

Jill-HEY!

Narrator- Our hero and heroine run along until they spot a gun on the floor

Carlos-HEY! A GUN!

Jill- *notices it's a trick* Carlos.. That gun obviously has a string attac-

Carlos-GUN! *grabs the gun and is dragged away to Zombie Land*

Jill- Carlos!*runs into Zombie Land after him, then drags him out*

Carlos- Wow, thanks Jill!

Jill- Just don't do it again.

Carlos-So, ehh, which way to the police station?

Jill-Left.

Carlos- Jill, why left?

Jill- Carlos, rule number one, left is always the right answer.

Carlos- And rule number 2?

Jill- Never question me.

Narrator- Suddenly, a figure drops from the sky onto the ground next to Carlos*

Stranger-Oh, thank god! I'm a survivor too and....

*Carlos shoots the stranger in the head*

Jill- Why did you just shoot him? He was a survivor!

Carlos- He was turning into a monster.....really!

Jill- Come on, lets just tell anybody who asks that he went crazy and tried to murder us with a spork!

Carlos-Ok.Off to the police station!!

Narrator-And so, all of our heros are heading towards the police station, where is Chris on his 15 mile walk to the police station?

Melvin- ....and so I said "No, Captain Kirk would never make a guset apperance on deep space nine and she said.....

Chris- ENOUGH!!!! After walking for only 12 miles, you have managed to explain every detail to everything a hardcore nerd would know about everything!!Can't you just shut up!?

Melvin-Only if you repeat that whole sentence in Klingon.

*Just then, a zombie runs up to Melvin and bites him in his eye*

Melvin- Oww my Eye!!!

Chris- Melvin, are you ok?

Melvin- Yeah, I think so.

Chris-Dammit. Guess I'll have to fix that.

*Chris kicks Melvin......down there*

Melvin-Owwwww...................that hurt......

Chris-Hey look, the police station is just 1/2 mile away.

Melvin-OH NO!

Chris-What?

Melvin-My d+d character sheet is in the evidence locker at the police station!

Chris-So,who cares?

Melvin- I do!! Do you know how long it take to become a level 22 Paladin with a constitution save as high as your grandpa's age ?

Chris-Shut-up! I don't even know what you just said!

*A bullet flies past them as an unknown attacker fires off another shot at Melvin*

Chris-(in slow motion)MMMMMMEEEEELLLLVVVIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!!

*Chris dives and pushes Melvin's body into the oncoming bullet*

Melvin(dying)-Chris....Chris...are you there?

Chris-Nope. Later dead buddy.

*Screen flashes "Melvin Died"*

Chris- WOO-HOO!!

*Chris walks off*

*Melvin's body starts to move again, about an hour later*

Evil Super Melvin w/ Demonic Voice-CHRIS!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator- Mean while as Chris approaches the police station....Leon and Claire do as well....

Leon-I'm tired, I'm hungry, are we there yet?

Claire-NO!!!

Leon-Oh......(Leon and Claire walk two spaces forward)Are we there now?

Claire-Actually, yes, we are.

Leon-Cool....I have the power to warp the space time continum!!!!

Claire-We were 2 steps in front of the door when you.....

Leon-Don't worry about it Claire.

Claire-Worry about what......

Leon-Estippizipit

Claire-Wha-

Leon-Estippizipit

Claire-What are you talkin-

Leon-Flibdigibbetydo

Claire-Is this that stupid thing from Austin Powe-

Leon-Flibdigibbetydo

Claire-Ok, just shut up!!

Leon-Yes, Ma'am....

Claire-Ok, I hope there are some survivors in the police station

(Leon and Claire open the doors)

Everybody-Surprise!!!Happy Getting To The Police Station Alive!!!

Leon-Look!! Baloons, and streamers and, all the pretty colors, and...and....

Claire-Now you've done it....He's over stimulated.....

(Everybody introduces themselves, and we all find out that Jill, Carlos, Claire, Leon, Chris, Little Sherry Birkin, and...ZOMBIE BRAD!!!!!!

Narrator- Now that our groups have met up, will they actually make a plan? And will we write another chapter of blathering ignorance and expect it to get good reviews? And how can you have Reese's for breakfast? Find out more next time!!!


	4. I Can't Believe It's Not EVIL!

I Can't Believe its not...EVIL!!!

Why do I even bother to put a title on this shit.... Oh... The disclamier.... Um, we do not know any of the movies or products or... Movies that you read in this fiction story thingy.... And about the title, any relation to a certain brand of margerin is completely co-incidental.... Really. *shifty eyes*

Mystic Amethyst: This was mostly written by Choco Bunny.... And even HE has been burdened with homework. That is why this chapter has taken so long, and why we don't give out our address to you fic-starved fans/crazed monkeys. We promise to up hold our duties and make chapters funnier and quicker, and we will not get side-tracked... Oooooooo, brownies!!!!!!

Narrator-Last we left off.... Lets see....*checks Ch. 2* ... Oh yes. Our heros had met in the Police Station and are forming a plan, hopefully. Let's go see...

Jill: I'll see your under shirt, Chris and raise you my bra!

Carlos: I'll see that and raise my boxers!

Leon: I fold. I'm not wearing any...

Claire: Shouldn't we be formulating a plan that will help us GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS DAMNED, ZOMBIE RIDDEN CITY?!?!

*everybody stops*

Chris: I'll see your boxer and raise you my...

Claire-ENOUGH!!! PLAN!!! NOW!!!

Jill: Geez... I have a plan. Carlos and I will find a helicopter in the old power plant, while Leon and Claire will go to the old Umbrella plant, obtain and destroy the mysterious G virus, while Chris and Sherry will.... Ummmm.... BLOW SHIT UP!!! YEAH, THAT'S IT!

Leon: But what weapons does everybody get?

Jill-We have a limited amount of weapons, so everybody gets one weapon and one clip for it.

All: ONE FRIGGIN' CLIP?!?!

Jill: JUST LIVE WITH IT DAMNIT!!!

Claire: Bow Gun.

Leon: Shotgun.

Carlos: Machine Gun

Jill: Grenade Launcher.

Chris: Magnum.

Sherry: Magnum.

Jill: Then it's settled. Everybody... BREAK!

Chris: Hold on a sec Sherry... I need to get my pants on! *whines*

Narrator: And so as everybody left in completly diffrent directions, they left their teamwork behind. I can tell you that each group, after leaving the group, forgot there objective and concentrated on getting the hell out of here.All except Leon and Claire...

Leon: What were we supossed to be doing again?

Claire: Destroy the G Virus!!

Leon: Well that will be easy, considering we don't have some huge attacking beast hindering us and throwing us off course...

*A giant monster in a black trench coat jumps off of a buliding, right in front of Leon*

Leon: Well, crap...

???: *in Arnold Swartzinager voice* I'M Mr. X. My sole purpose is to kill... *pulls out a piece of paper and reads* Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Augustus Redfield. Have you seen them running around here?

Claire: Of course not! We saw them going in the complete opposite direction of where we are going, right... Bob?

Leon: You are an idiot! I'm Leon and shes Claire. And we are trying to put a stop to Umbrella!!

Claire: Don't listen to him!! He's my retarded brother, he doesn't know what he's saying...

Mr.X: Do you really think I'm that stupid?

Leon: *triumphantly* Yes!

Mr. X: For that I will cause the extra pain poundings!!!

Both: RUN AWAAAAAYYYY!!!!

*Claire and Leon run for their lives, being chased by Mr. X until they hit a wall*

Leon: OW! FUCKIN' HELL!

Claire: *runs up the wall all matrix-ish and shit*

Leon: That's it! We're takin' this mofo out! FUNG KU STYLE!!!

Claire&Mr.X: Don't you mean Kung Fu, you dumbass?

Leon: No! Fung ku.... WAAAAAA CCHAAAAA!!!! *pulls out nunchuks and they wrap around his neck* *gasp!* Never had a lesson in my life...

Claire: *is still on the wall* Oh right! *wraps her legs around Mr. X's neck and snaps it*

Mr.X: YEAH RIGHT! LIKE I HAD A NECK TO BREAK, YOU-

Leon: Huh?

Mr.X: STUPID-

Mr.X: SKINNY-ASSED-

Mr.X: SMALL-BREASTED BITCH!!!!

Claire: *twitch* What did you call me?! *is in shock*

Leon: THAT'S IT! I'M GOIN' ALL FUNG KU ON YO ASS, BIZNITCH!

Mr.X: C'MON! BRING IT, FOO!

Leon: *pulls out a chain saw with a smiley face sticker on it* 

HAPPY WEAPONS CO.!!! GO HOME HAPPY! ;-)

Mr.X: Oh great googly mooglies...

Leon: *turns Mr.X into a quadraplegic*

*SCREECH!*

Mystik Amethyst: We take this moment in time to make a charity announcement!

Choco Bunny: Quadraplegics are people who have no arms or legs. But they kick ass. No offence to them or we would be sued by MANY MANY people. In short, quadraplegics kick ass, despite the fact they have no ligaments.

Mystik Amethyst: And now we return to our regularly schduled fanfic.

Leon: Well, now that's finished with! *goes and washs his hands, but turns on his heel back at Claire* Augustus? Really, Claire! *walks away*

Claire: FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE!

Narrator: Is that actually physically possible?

Leon: Technically it wouldn't unless you had an asshole where yo-

Claire: Don't we have some work to do?

Leon: *sigh* Yeah.. We'll finish this conversation later Mr. Narrator Man! ^_^

*Leon and Claire walk around until they reach...*

Leon-The Police station?!

Claire-Well, most of the game takes place here....

Leon-Dammit...Ok.

*Leon and Claire re-enter the police station*

Leon-Well....Now what?

Claire-Theres an elevator in Brian Irons office.

Leon-Do we have the key to get in there?

Claire-Ah-hem *points to grenade launcher*

Leon-Claire, do you need a cough-drop or something; that sounds awful.

Claire-First off: There is no door, it is a caved-in wall. Secondly:My GRENADE LAUNCHER can DESTROY the wall.

*Leon puts 2 and 2 together*

Leon-Ohhhhh.....What about Fred?

Claire-Who's Fred? And what about him?

Leon-Never mind.

*A zombie jumps out of....ummm....a trashcan....towards Leon*

Leon-Ahhhhhhh....oh wait.....SHOTGUN TIME!!!

*Leon take aim and hits the zombie....in its foot*

Claire-You missed.

Leon-I'm under pressure here! Be positive!

Claire-Woo Hoo! Go Leon! You can do it!

*Leon turns around*

Leon-Claire, thats the nicest thing anybody has said to me....ever. Thanks!

Claire-You're arm is missing, you brainless hunk of fecees.

Leon-Well shoot!

*Zombie eats Leon*

*Screen flashes "YOU DIED"*

*Leon appears behind Claire*

Claire-But how....You're dead!!

Leon-How can I Claire? You can't kill something thats already...DEAD!!!!

*Claire blows the zombie up effortlessly*

Claire-What the hell have we been doing for the past 2 chapters?

Leon-Talking......and insulting each other.

Claire-You're right. HEY, AUTHORS, MAKE THIS HAVE MORE ZOMBIES AND ACTION!!!

Chocobunny-Why?

Leon-Because it isn't Resident Evil without zombies, and lots of 'em!!

Chocobunny-Fine. But you'll wish you hadn't........ENVOKED THE POWER OF THE SACRED AUTHOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Claire-Yeah, whatever make it happen.

*Poor poofy sound effect*

Chapter 3 1/2

Leon and Claire are waist high in their own shit

*Millions upon millions of zombies start pouring in to the room,all armed with dynamite*

Leon-Now this is what I'm talking about right Claire......Claire.....

*Leon turns around to see Claire running full speed in the opposite dircetion*

Leon-Shit...

*Horrible, messy sounds are heard from that room*

Claire-Leon......He's gone.....

*Leon exits the room, looking like Rambo (clothing ripped, large gun in hand)*

Leon-Ha, I'm still alive, you stupid Chocobunny, you.

Claire-After what just happened, I don't think you should do that...

Leon-Whats he going to do....?

Chapter 3 7/8

Leon, once again, ENVOKES THE POWER OF THE SACRED AUTHOR!!!!!

*Millions upon BILLIONS of lickers enter Leon's personal space, armed with time/space body distorters*

Chocobunny-Anyway....This is the end of Ch.3!! We hope you have enjoyed the story, because we are done forever.......yeah right......like that will ever happen. We won't stop until you pay us....

We are now accepting fan mail!!^_^

To access Chocobunny, mail to: darkness@fanforce.net

To access Mystik Amethyst, mail to: lionheart_gurl@hotmail.com OR! Cait@inuyasha-online.zzn.com


	5. The Actual Next Chapter

I Can't Believe We ACTUALLY USED That Last Chapter Title!

Yeah, we're working on updating as soon as humanly possible... But between dances, the new zelda master quest, homework, and chatting with friends who are forcing me to write at gun point... I've been pppreeeettttyyy busy. We'll try and get these up more often. Until then, enjoy are margarin product, I mean, story... Yeah, ficcy, whatever...(scooby doo connections are purely coincidental)

Narrator: When we last left off, Leon was getting screwed over by the authors.

Choco Bunny: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mystik Amethyst: Oh shut the fuck up, Ben...

Choco Bunny: NO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP BEN!

Mystik Amethyst: But I'm Cait...

Choco Bunny: MY DREAMS!!! SHATTERED BY AN IMP!!!

Narrator: ... Yeah, whatever... We'll move right along to Chris and little Sherry Birkin.

Chris: AND THEN I SAID, THAT'S NOT A FRYING PAN! THAT'S MY WIFE!

Sherry: Where the fuck did that come from?!

Chris: ....AND THEN I SAID, THIS ISN'T AN AMUSEMENT PARK! THAT'S MY WIFE! *laughs insanely*

Sherry: The virus must be getting to him... Or something... Or is he just naturally stupid?

Mystik Amethyst: Take a wild guess!

Sherry: Yes, no, maybe-so...

*don't seem to notice a large mutating zombie lurking toward them*

Zombie: *in a semi nerdy semi ultra mutated killer voice* STARS!

Chris: ... MELVIN?!?!

Melvin: Yes, Chris! I have come back to be your sidekick!

Chris: *kicks Melvin in the side* HEE HEE HEE!!!

Sherry: I'm afraid I'm his sidekick... You see, I'm the smart one who was behind the origin of the G Virus and T Virus. I watched my father all day as he comprised each formula and I've memorized both perfectly. He was infected himself, but I stayed away knowing the consequences I might face. But now, it seems you have been infected, so you are of no use to us.

Everyone: Huh?

Sherry: Translation- I'm better than you, so you're just a walkin' talkin' pile of flesh.

Melvin: *offended* YOU LITTLE BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU! 

Mystik Amethyst: B-B-But she's so cool!

Melvin: *hiss!*

Sherry: *takes this time to grab Chris and run off*

Narrator: Then they find a fork in the road! *gasp!* DUM DUM DUUUUMMMM!!!

*They go left, because left has been proven scientifically to always be the right way*

Narrator: We now take a commercial break!

Announcer: If you liked Resident Evil : Mental... What would you prefer? A sequel or a prequel? Because this summer, Mystikal Chocolate Bunnies, Inc. will be making both!!! The first one will be Resident Evil 0.[insert random numbers here] 1/3!!! 

There will be action!

Billy: I can fit a grenade launcher! IN MY PANTS!!!

Rebecca: Or are you just happy to see me?

Billy: AAAHHHH!!! MY VIRGIN EARS!!!

Rebecca: Um... LOOK! ZOMBIES! RUN!!! *grabs Billy's arm and races away*

Billy: *screams like a girl* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Announcer: Romance!

Zombie: You'd think we're all mutated flesh and no heart... But nobody takes the time to listen! I'm glad you came, my dear... *touches Rebecca's shoulder sensually*

Rebecca: O_o Um... Ya know, I'd love to stay and chat butIhadapreviousengagmentwhichIreallyneedtogetbacktoodosobye!!!

Zombie: DAMMIT!

Announcer: And a shit load of humorous antics!

Billy: Let's go left!

Rebecca: Why?

Billy: Confucius say baseball is painful... Man with four balls cannot walk...

Rebecca: ...T-That was COMPLETELY irrelevant to what I had to say!

Billy: Confucius say-

Rebecca: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR STUPIDITY YOU PIECE OF HANDSOME, STUPID SHIT!!!!

Billy: ...That's hurtful...

Narrator: Then there's a sequel, Resident Evil Code : Betty!!!

Mystik: NO PREVIEWS OF THIS ONE YET!!! BUT IT WILL BE FUNNY!!!

Narrator: Now we return to our regularly... Lur..Leah.. Aw, screw it! You know it already any ways, so why bother! If you don't, you're ignorant!

Choco: HOLD THE PHONE! We need to stop for a second to tell you all some horrible news... 

Mystik: A lot has happened in this past month that we need to share with our readers. Faithful or not. 

Choco: Are PlayStation 2 and Gamecube have passed away today, March 16th, 2003. Our PlayStation died in a horrible car crash (suddenly and without warning).

Mystik: And our Gamecube died of Parkinson's (it's been pissing us off lately, but its pain is now gone forever). *cries*

Choco: On the plus side, we're going to the East Coast starting March 21st in the morning. We won't be back until the 31st. We'll be with our family, which is super religious, so no story writing. SORRY!!! *cries with his sister*

Sherry: Alright, that's nice, enough. Back to our story...

Chapter 4 1/3 - Monkeys!!

Leon-I forgot what I was doing.

Claire- We were doing something while Chris and Sherry were running away.

Leon- I remember now! I was being put through hell by the author.

Narrator-Anyway, back to Chris and Sherry, who we were supposed to go back to originally, but we were having....ummmm....technical difficulties. Yeah that....

Authors Note: Yes it has been so long since we looked at this story that both systems explained above have been fixed and we ar now currently playing Dark Cloud 2 and The 'cube Zelda. But you don't care about that. You want me to get on with the Fucking story. OK! Fine! I can take a hint!

Narrator-We now join Chris and Sherry as they run away from the enraged MELVIN!!

Melvin-Don't run. You know you can't escape.

Chris- Everybody runs.

Sherry-You are so unoriginal Chris.

*Chris pulls out a magnum and fires back at Melvin*

Chris-You son of a bitch! DIE!!

Melvin-You can't kill me! MWAHAHAHA!!

Chris-*stops*Really? I mean, WOW, I thought it was possible to kill everything but...are you really indestructible?

Melvin- Yep, pretty much.

Sherry-But hey! There is always one way to solve the problem!

Melvin-Shoot stuff?

Chris- Bomb Iraq?

Narrator- Get a better paying job, then being a low narrator for a half assed story?

Sherry- No.... KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Narrator- So we leave Chris and Sherry to their "running" and join...um...hold up, I need to check something.Oh, right. We join Leon and Claire in the city's sewers, after they found the magic portal.

Chocobunny-Ok. I'm sorry. We have run out of transition ideas. Please except $1,000,000 in Choco-bucks as a token of our piss poor transition problems.

Leon- I can't believe we found this magic portal!!

Claire- I can....

*Zombies approach*

Claire- Leon, you take the left flank while I...STOP STARING AT THE DAMN SPOON!!

Leon- O-K......*sad face*

Claire- There are too many of them...we need...

Leon- Another spoon?

Claire- NO!! A plan.........HOLY SHIT!!! WHATS THAT?

*Large mutant zombie bunny appears behind zombies*

Leon- We're fucked aren't we?

Claire- Oh yeah.

Leon- Or are we....*mysterious face*

Claire- Unless, instead of underpants, you wore a rocket launcher today, I think we're FUCKED!!

*Leon pulls down pants to reveal a rocket launcher where his underpants are*

Leon- Never leave home without 'em

Claire- Well I'll be damned...

*Leon destroys all things*

Claire- I can't believe you saved the day.

Leon- Awww. Shucks....

Claire- Look!! The Factory containing the G-Virus!! We're almost out of here!!!!

Leon- Now where's that spoon...

Narrator-Leon and Claire are now at their destination with danger on their heels and a banana in their.......Who writes this crap? Anyway, we move to Jill and Carlos who are trying to secure a helicopter, but, danger is on.....their.....heels? This script sucks....I quit.

Jill-Carlos....What are we going to do about Nicolai?

Carlos-Who?

Jill-You know, the crazy russian who wants to collect the bounty on my head?

Carlos-I'd be more worried about.....IT!

Jill-It?

Carlos-IT!

Jill-*skeptically*It.......?

Carlos-IT!

Jill-What the fuck is it?

Carlos-IT!

Jill-Could you be more specific?

Carlos-OK.....THAT!!!!

*Jill turns around to see Nemesis crawling towards them*

Jill-You have to be fudging me......

Nemesis-STARS!!!

Carlos-Eat lead zombie freak!!!!! *Shoots the assult rifle at Nemesis*

*Nemesis remains unfazed*

Carlos-Ummmmm......

Jill-Will you not kill us...please?

*Nemesis shakes its head*

Jill-Not even for.....a scooby snack?

*Nemesis nods his head*

Carlos-Really?

Nemesis-BLAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! STARS!!

*Nemesis jumps at Jill*

*Jill fires Magnum*

*Nemesis' arm goes limp, but still lands feet from Jill, and stands up*

*Nemesis breathes in Jill's face*

Nemesis-STARS!!!

Narrator-Find out what happens next time on the rarely updated

Resident Evil:Mental!!!!!!!


	6. Chapter Something '09

Resident Evil: Mental

Chapter Something

Soon after Resident Evil 5 came out, something occurred to the cast to Resident Evil: Mental – where had the years gone? How can something like Resident Evil 5 be submitted as a legitimate game with all the racism and under tones for an American belief system? As the cogs slowly turn in the brain of every hero of every game, their guns lowered to the ground and their fists all raised in a permanent defiance of 'the man'. Leon Kennedy and Claire Redfield stood alone in the ruins on Raccoon City, contemplating their next move, thinking deeply and harshly of themselves.

"I'm sorry, Leon. You're not a dumbass," Claire spoke softly, her voice reeking of obvious guilt. "After all these years, I don't understand what came over me. We were acting like children."

Leon smiled, as if somewhere in the depths of his soul he could feel something was right in the world.

"You can't change the world, Claire. It's madness to try," he said, his voice low and confident. Claire looked to him, her eyes wild with thoughts and passion.

"What?"

Then, suddenly, the two were attracted by a sound overhead. Why, it was a giant nuclear missile! In the time it had taken them to all hit a collective epiphany; the US government had taken steps. Claire and Leon looks at each other one last time, and Leon mouthed something unintelligible as Claire flipped him the bird.

The end.


End file.
